Is ‘godfather’ a totally dirty word?
Are there good godfathers who don’t want anything (much) in return for their political godfatherhood, who are happy with the odd Ghana-mus-go at Christmas and Sallah? Or do all self-respecting godfathers insist on appointing most of their governors’ cabinets?
Governor Mbadinuju once insisted that he paid no godfathers (apart from a small godfather royalty of N10million monthly which he found leaking from his treasury, and which he allowed to continue to leak, on presidential advice). Can godfather debts be inherited, assigned, or traded? Are they paid in priority to teachers’ salaries? To nurses’?
How many days after an election should a godfather wait before his first royalty mini bus arrives with his cash? Are godfather royalties tax free?
Are godfathers the reason why policemen ask the owners of expensive cars, “may we know you sir?” before deciding if a traffic offence has been committed?
Are godfathers ranked like permsecs and super permsecs? Do we have minigodfathers for LGAs and megagodfathers for states? How many gigagodfathers does it take to buy a presidency? Are gigagods allocated four ministerial slots, twelve ambassadorships, and fifty get-out-of-EFCC-gaol cards each?
Can a gigagod get away with murder? Mass murder by looting health funds? What about making 11 million children lifelong illiterates by stealing their education budget?
How many godfathers own Nigeria plc? Do political puppets send their speeches to their godfathers for vetting? Do they write letters of apology if, for political reasons, they have to abuse or threaten their godfathers in public?
Does any Nigerian university offer courses in godfatherism? How does one become a godfather? Is it only accessible via apprenticeship? Is it selfishly passed from father to son? Is it a gender sensitive profession? Are there female godfathers? Will they be insulted to be called godmothers?
Are godfathers diabolically endowed? Did they bury their fetish pots in Nigeria’s statehouses? Are stubborn godsons and goddaughters ailing and dying from godfatheritis? Is this why they have to go abroad beyond the diabolic range of the fetishistic emanations? Was Reuben Abati onto something?
Godfathers have successfully run their public office godchildren from jail. Can they operate from the grave as well? Are the political debts owed to godfathers dissolved upon the death of godfathers? Do their children inherit? Do godfathers sometimes marry their puppets’ daughters to secure their loyalty?
Where an ex-governor is godfather to a governor who retires and installs a new governor, how many great great godfathers can a rich state maintain before going bankrupt?
Did gigagods get their stupendous wealth from besting Bill Gates in Silicon Valley, from government contracts, or from hard drugs? Are they generally brilliant? Are they comfortable with godsons and daughters who are more intelligent, charismatic, and resourceful than they are? Is this why our leaders must be duller and more timid than the average citizen?
Godfathers from Kenya and Nigeria have produced strange legal contracts signed with their puppets. Do these countries’ law schools teach lucrative midnight modules called Godfather Law? Are the contacts signed with the blood of virgins? Are they enforced by the court of Baal?
When Nigeria is successfully restructured into the perfect federation, will the Godfather officially change his name to The-Elephant-in-the-Room? Will he reduce his royalty to make Nigeria great again? Or increase it to make the Godfather Greater than Ever?
Governors have been kidnapped and deposed for missing their godfather’s royalty payments. Are governors even booed for missing two years of tax-paying civil servants’ wages? Are we Nigerians masochists? Will we suddenly grow spunk and stop selling our votes and consciences once we get our perfect federation?
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