Continuing Education Series.
Tutorial a4: Dividing the People

Now let us get one thing clear: a people united are guaranteed their goals. The only question: what are those goals? That is the problem, isn’t it? Their real goals are always connected to the budget for which you have plans. They want schools and roads and hospitals and drugs. They want jobs and pensions, and they want it all now. You, on the other hand, want a pipeline to their money. You want a helipad in your backyard. You want choppers to take you to your airstrip where your private jets are waiting to fly you and your brood to those countries where the presence of your loot guarantees their good hospitals and schools. So what must you do?

You must divide the idiots; give them new goals! It is easy. Just focus.

A people united can never be broken, so break them up. Forget about the things that unite them. Forget about their history and prehistory of travel, inter-marriage and commerce. Ignore their colour, their love for music and food. Confound their larger-than-life humour, that inimitable ability to laugh at themselves. Are you a learner? Divide them! You are a boxer in the ring with a wounded enemy. Look for their variety – those things that make them stronger. Label it ‘difference’. Make it a ‘weakness’. Punch. It seems silly? Don’t worry. They are idiots.

Just for example: it is your job to provide housing, yes? Forget that. Go into their hovels and slums. Enter their bedrooms. Don’t bother to knock. They are idiots. They won’t tell you to get your nose out of their business. What are they doing in the privacy of their chambers? Great. Divide them into camps based on how they use their genitals. Blow the whistle. You see? There they go: the homo brigades. The lynch mobs salute your convoys of loot, and then fall on their fellow victims. They are disunited and rabid, they will be locking their horns like goats until the kingdom of Jesus returns. Go back to your chopper. Roam free. Your chopping continues.

For further Reading: The Ten Commandments of Nigerian Politics.