'Free booze doesn't count, Pastor'

-Let’s do it, Pastor.
-Are you sure?
-One hundred percent.
-Drunky-Dickson! One hundred percent is not enough. You have wasted my time too many times before.
-Don’t call me that, Pastor, look at my eyes. I am serious. Bring out your Bible, I’m ready.
-Okay, we shall see. Let me finish my avocado.
-Let’s do it now. I passed your kitchen on my way here and food is almost ready. If your pear won’t wait, is it hot groundnut soup that will wait?
-You have a point. Let me get my Bible… by the way, this is the last day of March, a bit too late for new year resolutions. Are you sure this is not an April Fool’s joke?
-It is not, Pastor. I saw Evuka’s new house. Jesus-borrow-me-naira! And this is a young man who used to be my boy-boy in secondary school. So I’m ready. God, I’m ready!
-So Evuka’s new house did what all my sermons couldn’t do? Well, anything that works for you, Dickson. Get on your knees. Raise up your hand. Do you swear to give up alcohol?
-I do.
-Including gin and kokori and whiskey?
-I do.
-Plus Star and Gulder and Guinness?
-I do.
-…you are very, very sure?
-It’s like you don’t believe me, Pastor. I am cock-sure! Every money that enters my house now is going to my building fund, as God is my witness.
-Plus wine with 12% or 9% or 5% alcohol?
-Even 1% alcohol wine! If it says alcoho… I’m not buying!
-Alleluia! Stand up, Dickson, let me pray for you. This is the biggest thing that I have ever done since my ordination fifteen years ago! God be praised! This is bigger than Dame Maggie’s pregnancy after ten years of marriage! So you are telling me that you will go to your cousin’s burial this evening and won’t touch a bottle of beer?
-…What are you talking about? This evening I’m going to soak very well.
-…Are you joking with me? Why have you been wasting my time?
-Free booze doesn’t count, Pastor. Did you know that my cousin is a manager at Nigerian Breweries?
-You have just sworn on my KJV/NIV/GNT concordance Bible to give up alcohol! All alcohol!
-Am I mad? Did you see the refrigerated truck of beer  my cousin parked on the main road? I won’t spend my money on beer, that’s what I swore! God knows my mind.
-What does it matter who is paying for the beer? You’re still going to be drunk by midnight!
-On another person’s beer, that’s different.
-Look, Dickson. It is not just the money for beer that Evuka saved up to build his house. He built his house by going to bed with his common sense and waking up with good ideas, he built his house by…
-Pastor, today is not Sunday, preaching on Saturday is not… it is just not fair…
-Well, my groundnut soup is here now, Dickson…
-I can see that!
-And I don‘t pray for alcoholics who want to specialise in Other People‘s Beer. Are you ready for a total ban or not.
-Total ban? Then I am not ready. Em… is that the body of a grasscutter that I am seeing inside the soup?
-I will soon find out, but this is another person’s soup you’re looking at. Bye, Drunky-Dickson. Your cousin should have opened his refrigerated truck by now.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *